The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Friday October 31, 2008

"John McCain may be behind but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." —Stephen Colbert

"He just needs to do something to prove that he has the judgment to lead and knows where this country wants to go. You know what, I've got it. Senator McCain, you really need to endorse Barack Obama. That would really make you look like a 'maverick.'" —Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip of Colbert endorsing Obama)

"And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" —David Letterman

"They now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'" —David Letterman

"Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she has also agreed to keep him on the ticket." —Jay Leno

"Today John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance." —Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." —Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. As you know, everything went wrong and they wound up eating each other — kind of like what's going on right now in the McCain campaign." —Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" —Jay Leno

"McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." —David Letterman

"Earlier tonight Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives or a Bedazzler." —Conan O'Brien

"(Obama's) whole campaign is like the craziest movie premise ever: 'Barack Obama has five days to spend $150 million.'" —Jon Stewart

"Barack Obama gets a half-hour on TV. Big deal. I've done 470 of these things. Where's my presidency?" —Stephen Colbert

"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." —David Letterman

"A presidential term is four years, the campaign has lasted six. And of course, you know, when they have the election next week, the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals." —David Letterman

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." —David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It's fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn't he?" —David Letterman

"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." —Jay Leno

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" —Conan O'Brien

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room. But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, in Washington, I don't know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'" —Conan O'Brien

Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog

Add to:

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes