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Browse Recent Jokes
Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
Oct. 14, 2008
"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, 'Will work for a seven-figure bonus.'" –David Letterman
"Yesterday at the White House -- you know, George Bush is still our President for a couple of more months -- and yesterday down in Washington in the White House, he met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi, but Bush kept calling him Boy-R-Dee. It was awful." --David Letterman
"Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that's what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house." --David Letterman
"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman
"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman
"Tomorrow night is the final presidential debate, and John McCain is going to take this opportunity to unveil his new campaign persona, his new campaign personality, to really energize the last couple of weeks of the campaign: Fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, then he's going to go to sadistic yard bull." --David Letterman
"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman
"That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman
"Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter, is back in the news. He gave an interview in which he says that at first, he was nervous attending the Republican convention with the Palins, but then he was like, 'Whatever.' Yeah, he also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin's speeches." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of politics, a group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they've been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including a form for Mickey Mouse. Yeah, President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster." --Conan O'Brien
"This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I'm going to whip his you-know-what.' Then, McCain vowed to 'hit Obama in the whatchamacallit' and 'kick him in the thingamajig.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno
"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno
"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno
"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nalin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno
"The last presidential debate is tomorrow night. The debate is gonna be sponsored in part by Anheuser Busch. I guess they were thinking the first two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up before they watch it." --Jay Leno
"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno
"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, will work for a seven-figure bonus." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the White House, you know, George Bush is still our president for a couple of more months. And yesterday down in Washington in the White House he met with the Italian prime minister Berlusconi. Bush kept calling him Boyardee. It was awful. Here's what happened. Russia apparently has test-fired some long range ballistic missiles. Yep. Uh oh is exactly right. At least, that's what Sarah Palin said she saw from her house." --Jay Leno
"Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So far, more than 10,000 acres have been burned. Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared. Or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an eclair. It's hard to tell. It's times like these when we think twice about electing a former bodybuilder from the black forest. Last time we had a big fire - he tried to slather it with baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel
"California is not an easy state to be Governor of, but here's how I see it, everyplace has something you have to worry about - Louisiana has hurricanes, Texas has tornadoes, here we have earthquakes, wildfires and Heather Locklear behind the wheel. You make do." --Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide." --Jimmy Kimmel
David Letterman's Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Turn It Around
10. Try the old "I'll vote for you if you vote for me" trick.
9. Inspire America by jumping Straight Talk Express over Snake River Canyon.
8. Change name to Jorack McBama.
7. Start wearing a cape.
6. Step one: send Bin Laden free tickets to Giants game. Step two: when he shows up in East Rutherford, New Jersey expecting to enjoy some big blue smashmouth football: gotcha sucka!
5. Sizzling tango with Cloris Leachman on "Dancing With The Stars."
4. Put more effort into budget plan, less effort into Facebook status updates.
3. Point out his steady leadership got us through the Great Depression.
2. Assure voters the only poll that matters is in his pants.
1. Get Sarah Palin to illegally fire herself
Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: McCain's Brand New Stump Speech
Colbert Report: The Word: P.O.W.
Oct. 13, 2008
"You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno
"Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?" --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno
"This is kind of interesting. Optical shops have sold out of the sexy eyeglass frames that Sarah Palin wears. You know those? They're all sold out. And women's clothing stores are sold out of the pretty dress that Michelle Obama has been wearing in her interviews. That's all sold out, too. However, a plastic surgeon said today they still have a warehouse full of those Joe Biden-type hair plugs. They got cases of those." --Jay Leno
"Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?" --Jay Leno
"Today, they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Why? Believe me, in this economy, there weren't many people to choose to give it to. You know who would up getting it? You know who got it? Gary Coleman for those cash call commercials. That's right, he was the only guy." --Jay Leno
"And the finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. I thought this was nice. While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved." --Jay Leno
"Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the worst financial crisis since the Carter administration. Good news, the stock market went up over 900 points today. That's good news. This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since ... actually, it's the first good thing to happen to McCain." --Jay Leno
"You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, 'I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq.'" --Jay Leno
"The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It's now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That's the price you used to get outraged about a year ago." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, over the weekend she went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. And I thought well, I bet she probably needed a break, had to get away from reading every newspaper and magazine. Because you don't even know how much time that takes." --David Letterman
"You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish." --David Letterman
"The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working." --David Letterman
"But it's going to be a big week for John McCain. Don't kid yourself. Today and tomorrow he will be campaigning. Wednesday is the debate and then Thursday he cancels on me again" --David Letterman
"Today's Columbus Day, the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus discovering America, or as it is now known, "a fixer-upper." --David Letterman
"A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors." --David Letterman
"President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking." --David Letterman
"But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu." --David Letterman
"Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office." --David Letterman
"The presidential race is starting to get very ugly here towards the very end. Yesterday, just yesterday, a congressman from Georgia said that John McCain's personal attacks on Barack Obama are 'sowing the seeds of hatred.' Yeah, McCain responded by saying, 'I'm 73. I haven't sowed any seeds in 30 years. Back off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Newsweek magazine's being criticized, because last week's cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question." --Conan O'Brien
"This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. Yeah. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world's richest countries." --Conan O'Brien
"There is more good news, folks. Today the Dow made a comeback, gaining 936 points! Henry Paulson's plan to change his plan to whatever the Europeans are planning is working. That is such a big one-day jump. I wouldn't be surprised if John McCain resumed his campaign." --Stephen Colbert
David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin "Troopergate" Investigation Report
10. Spent thousands of tax-payer dollars pimpin' her dog sled.
9. Terminated her hairstylist after receiving a bad beehive.
8. Palin claims she hasn't seen this kind of misuse of justice since Supreme Court case of... umm, lemme think of one.
7. In her adult life has never gone more than ten minutes without saying, "You betcha!"
6. No number 6 -- writer looking for his hairbrush.
5. Report's conclusion: "Hey, at least she didn't shoot a guy like Cheney!"
4. Spent 8 weeks in rehab for addiction to lip gloss.
3. When asked to respond to charges said, "Instead of answering your question, I'm going to talk about energy."
2. Printed in extra-large font so McCain can read it!
1. Palin's excuse: "It wasn't me, it was Tina Fey"
Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: VP's Troopers & Practical Jokes
Daily Show: Paulson's Tortured Flip Flop
Colbert Report: Kathleen Parker Interview
Oct. 10, 2008
"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher
"Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don't worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout." --Bill Maher
"He went on TV today to reassure the public. I don't know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium." --Bill Maher
"His big line was today: 'We are a prosperous nation with immense resources and a wide range of tools to deal with this problem. And he's right: he's a tool, Bernanke's a tool, Paulsen's a tool, Alan Greenspan, a huge tool." --Bill Maher
"So let's see, the country is broke. Listen to this: 60 percent of the people in America now say we are headed toward a depression, not a recession, a depression. We are in desperate needs of profitable industries we can tax. Um, now can we legalize pot?" --Bill Maher
"The other big story, of course, this week is how nasty and angry the crowds are getting at the McCain and Palin rallies, especially when Palin speaks. Now, to be fair, a lot of these fans of hers that are at these rallies have lost everything in the economic crisis: their mobile home, their waterbed, their meth lab." --Bill Maher
"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher
"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher
"The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence." --Bill Maher
"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." --Bill Maher
"Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno
"Some good news for Sarah Palin: she has been cleared in that troopergate scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno
"Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He's now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year." --Jay Leno
"Another kind of awkward moment today for John McCain on the campaign trail, another one of those town-hall-style campaign stops he likes to do. I guess a senior citizen asked 'What's the fastest relief, you know, for older people?' And McCain said, 'I like Imodium.'" --Jay Leno
"See, politics is very, very tricky. It's a very, very tricky thing. It's too close to call. Well, Barack is ahead now, but you never know what can happen. You gotta remember: politics is like sex. There's always going to be one side that's horribly disappointed." --Jay Leno
"I'm not taking sides here, is it me, but doesn't McCain seem to be going really, really negative? Boy, I saw that latest campaign commercial. Did you see that one airing today? Take a look [on screen: Announcer: 'Barack Obama: his record is clear. Not only did he approve sex education for kindergartners, he ordered Sesame Street to only teach the letters S and M (image of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie wearing sadomasochistic apparel). He's also been palling around with Satan (image of Obama with arm around Satan). And his tax plan may seem ok until you look at it under a blacklight. Eww. McCain: I'm John McCain, and I approve this message'). Really negative." --Jay Leno
"But the big story continues to be the economy. How many people remember when we had an economy? ... They said on the news today that the stock market is on a wild roller-coaster ride. Really? Does it feel like a roller coaster? Doesn't it feel more like that stupid free-fall ride where you drop 500 feet and you vomit all over the place?" --Jay Leno
"I'll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It's now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We're now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don't they sound like the kinds of numbers you'd use when you argue with your friends?" --Jay Leno
"I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'" --Jay Leno
"Oh, General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels." --Jay Leno
"Well, this weekend, representatives from the world's 20 richest nations will get together to try and figure out how to solve this global economic meltdown. They're called the Group of 20. Given how bad things are, they used to be called the Group of 50." --Jay Leno
"All these countries are going to get together and brainstorm. So I guess that pretty much leaves President Bush out of the picture." --Jay Leno
"They found that Americans actually eat more during bad economic times, that people become fatter during bad financial periods. Isn't that amazing? This is the only country in the world, when the economy goes south, not only don't you lose your ass, it gets bigger." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman
"That's right, Hillary Clinton's celebrating 32 years of marriage to Bill, or as Hillary likes to call it, 'the Bridge to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"But the big wedding anniversary; I mean, at least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year, so that's nice." --David Letterman
"You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Medalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman
"Boy, you can sure tell that it's 2008. The campaign has really changed from when I was a kid running for office, because Barack Obama has purchased his own satellite TV station to run campaign commercials. Isn't that amazing? His own satellite station to run campaign commercials. Meanwhile, John McCain's VCR is still bleeping '12:00.'" --David Letterman
"I like Senator McCain: he looks like a guy who falls asleep testing a mattress at Macy's." --David Letterman
"I like Sarah Palin, too. She looks like a lady with her own line of cookies." --David Letterman
"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president." --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird: due to complaints, Walgreen's drug store has been forced to remove talking dolls of Barack Obama and John McCain. They had to remove them, yeah. Walgreen's was also forced to remove the real Ralph Nader from the store. He was hanging around. He wasn't buying anything." --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, tough times on Wall Street right now. In a speech today, President Bush said the following, quote: 'The rescue plan is big enough to work but needs time.' Yeah. Then former President Clinton said the same thing, but he wasn't talking about the rescue plan." --Conan O'Brien
Late-Night TV Videos
Friday Late-Night Joke Highlight Reel
Late-Night Jokes of the Week
Oct. 9, 2008
"Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky." --David Letterman
"I'll tell you, I like John McCain. He looks like a guy you'd see wandering around Walgreen's looking for the dye gel. He looks like the guy at Home Depot who mixes paint." --David Letterman
"Did you folks see the debate the other night. At one point, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later, the thought maybe that something had gone haywire, he apologized. He said he got confused; he thought he was at the bakery." --David Letterman
"But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch." --David Letterman
"But the first debate was at podiums, and the debate this week was what they call the town hall. The format for the next debate is going to be fun: dunk tanks." --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin. We like Sarah Palin, right? She's a lot of fun? Miss Alaska. Now she is saying that she doesn't know who Barack Obama really is, doesn't know who Barack Obama really is. Well, that's interesting, because she also doesn't know who Sarkozy is, Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chávez, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, the list goes on and on." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over." --David Letterman
"Are you worried about the economy? Listen to this: the Federal Reserve has lowered the interest rate to 1.5 percent. ... I tell you, I haven't seen interest that low, well, since last night's audience." --David Letterman
"And everybody in New York City is worried about the economy, everybody is hurting. The hookers down in Times Square, bless their hearts, listen to this: because of the economy, they now have to work past the retirement age of 65." --David Letterman
"Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting." --David Letterman
"As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government's new $700 billion plan, saying, 'It's going to take a while.' Of the course the good news is, he's never been right." --Seth Meyers
"At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeline Albright that she read off a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming, 'America Runs On Dunkin.'" --Amy Poehler
"Everybody's still talking about the presidential debate the other night. How boring it was. Expects say neither candidate scored a knockout punch. Well, I don't know about that. After about ten minutes, I was out like a light." --Jay Leno
"McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after Bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph maybe, e-mail no." --Jay Leno
"Obama says there is nothing to the accusations of a friendship with '60s radical Bill Ayers. He says Ayers is a person he knew early in his career, but now plays no role in his campaign. You know, kinda like the Clintons." --Jay Leno
"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno
"Hey, how many are worried about Iran's nuclear enrichment program? How many are more worried about our CEO-enrichment program? Here's something that's gonna make you mad: remember last week after Congress grilled those AIG executives, after taking our $85 billion in bailout money and spending half a million at that fancy resort, well this week they asked for and got another $37.5 billion. And earlier this week they announced they're going on another retreat, this time with golf and massages at the Ritz-Carlton hotel at Half Moon Bay here in California. Instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail?" --Jay Leno
"Let me ask you something: didn't we buy this company? Don't we own it now? Why don't we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week. Hey, where's our massage?" --Jay Leno
[As Rodney Dangerfield] I tell you, I went to the bank, asked for a loan, the guy said 'We were just gonna ask you the same thing.' ... The economy is so bad, today, I saw Bill Maher praying. That's how bad. People in San Francisco can only afford Rice now; no more Roni. ... I saw Mrs. Fields today selling Girl Scout cookies. That's how bad. Saw a guy at Costco buying one roll of toilet paper. That's how bad. The economy is so bad now pigs can no longer afford lipstick." --Jay Leno
"'W.' hits the theaters October 17th, the movie about the Bush administration, did you know about this movie? You know, the stock market's collapse, homes are being foreclosed on, unemployment's at an all-time high. Wait until Halloween; release it as a horror movie." --Jay Leno
"According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears' younger sister Jaime Lynn Spears, is pregnant again, according to the National Enquirer. But the good news is, Sarah Palin has named her an honorary Alaskan." --Jay Leno
"Saturday night, Sarah Palin is going to drop the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers' hockey game. Then Palin will spend the rest of the game trying to keep the hockey players out of her daughter's penalty box." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office." --Conan O'Brien
"This is weird, but this is true, it was in the paper today: members of the press corps are complaining that Barack Obama's airplane, the airplane he uses to get around and that the press travels on, is cramped and has a terrible odor. So finally, with just one month left until the election, we have found the comedic take on Obama: he has a smelly plane. That's what we have to go on, yeah. 'Old Smelly Plane Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien
Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off the show, “The Biggest Loser.” Yeah, that leaves two contestants, the C.E.O. of A.I.G. and the C.E.O. of Lehman Brothers."--Conan O'Brien
"We have any fans of 'The Biggest Loser?' ... Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off 'The Biggest Loser.' ... That leaves two contestants: the CEO of AIG and the CEO of Lehman Brothers" --Conan O'Brien
Late-Night Videos
SNL Spoofs the Presidential Debate
Daily Show: Clusterf#@k to the Poor House
Daily Show: FOX News Panics
Colbert Report: David Gergen on Personal Attacks
Oct. 8, 2008
"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman
"I don't know, what did you think of the debate? Anything? Anything going on there? I'm not sure that John McCain actually helped himself. In fact, I think maybe he blew off the wrong show." --David Letterman
"I kind of got a chuckle out of this. Tom Brokaw was the moderator of the debate, and at one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they're going to now answer questions that came in over the Internet. And you know what McCain said? 'Tom, is that the same as a telegraph?'" --David Letterman
"But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can't find his Buick." --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, 'Well, Sarah, why? I'm sorry, Miss Alaska -- why didn't you watch the debate?' And she said, 'Well, I'm busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'" --David Letterman
"And then there was one kind of unpleasant moment for Barack Obama when that woman jumps up. Did you see that, where the woman jumps up? And Barack Obama is momentarily taken aback. And he said, 'All right, look, I told you, ma'am, I already have a running mate. Now please sit down, Hillary.'" --David Letterman
"During last night's debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, "What? Like I'm supposed to remember everybody's name now?" --Conan O'Brien
"Well, because of all the international focus on the election, last night's debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America, or, as Sarah Palin calls them, Russia." --Conan O'Brien
"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien
"Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien
"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno
"And it was broadcast live from Nashville. You know, I don't want to say the debate was boring. But I never thought a political event in Tennessee could be that dull without the help of Al Gore." --Jay Leno
"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno
"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno
"Of course, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for singing 'Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.' Remember that? Ironically, it's now the number one song in Israel." --Jay Leno
"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric's interview, she called it 'gotcha journalism.' Not doing any more of those. Just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls 'you betcha!' journalism." --Jay Leno
"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno
Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: Michelle Obama Interview
Daily Show: Word War II
Colbert: Second Presidential Debate
Oct. 7, 2008
"Did you folks see the second presidential debate? ... Yeah, but the debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain said to Barack Obama, 'May I call you Joe?'" --David Letterman
"But this was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice." --David Letterman
"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman
"I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons." --David Letterman
"But this presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think, according to Sarah Palin, that borders Iraq. I'm not sure." --David Letterman
"Tonight's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? 'I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone.'" --Jay Leno
"Tonight's presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator's questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly. No, it's a town hall format, which is John McCain's favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way, a sermon on the mount. See, it's a little different." --Jay Leno
"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin is attacking Barack Obama for palling around with terrorists. Like this William Ayers guy, apparently a '60s radical who allegedly once set off a bomb in a Capitol building men's room. Set off a bomb in the men's room? Well, Senator Larry Craig said, 'The guy's an animal! What a horrible, despicable thing to do!'" --Jay Leno
"And John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has won the 'Family Circle' magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope. In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in." --Jay Leno
"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno
"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno
"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now, interesting, some of the questions for tonight's debate were submitted by people on the internet. Yeah, people on the internet could submit questions. Yeah, and when faced with the internet questions, John McCain said he refuses to engage with wizards or warlocks. None of that crazy internet magic for him." --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'" --Conan O'Brien
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Presidential Debate
10. It's a town hall debate, but the town is in a mountainous region of Pakistan.
9. Tom Brokaw leaves early to catch 9:15 showing of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
8. Topics fall into the categories "Domestic policy," "Foreign policy," and "Burt Reynolds films of the '70s."
7. Keep arguing about who has more friends on Facebook.
6. Candidate says, "Why you hatin'?" Other responds, "Why you buggin'?"
5. It's covered by CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Howard 100 News team.
4. Candidates ignore questions and gossip about which Senate pages are sluts.
3. The yodeling competition.
2. Disproportionate amount of questions about "The Hills."
1. It's 90 minutes of folksy phrases and winking
Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: Six Degrees of Desperation
Daily Show: The Stupid Vote
Colbert: Stephen's Town Hall
Colbert: Maverick Without A Cause
Oct. 6, 2008
"By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." --David Letterman
"John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here." --David Letterman
"And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!" --David Letterman
"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman
"And now she's going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that's the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks." --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin is very feisty, and she's upset now with John McCain for pulling out of Michigan. And apparently McCain is getting on her nerves, so earlier today she called Kelly Ripa to get some advice for dealing with a geezer." --David Letterman
"I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much." --David Letterman
"Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that." --David Letterman
"According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad." --Jay Leno
During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She'd kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it'd be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke." --Jay Leno
"During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions." --Jay Leno
"Well, this is not good. This week, the Labor Department announced 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. But here's the ironic part, all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. How does that work out?" --Jay Leno
"And as you know, on Friday, Washington passed the big 'Save our CEOs' program. That thing passed." --Jay Leno
"And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard." --Jay Leno
"And because of guys like him, credit is dried up and you can't get a loan. You can't get a loan, unless you're a company that caused the crisis, oh, then the government will give you a loan. That's no problem. Then they'll bail you out. More true than funny, okay." --Jay Leno
"The price of oil dropped below $90 a barrel today. I guess the oil companies backed off screwing the American public now that the federal government has taken on the job. The government can handle it now, we've screwed them enough." --Jay Leno
"Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in. And in Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, 'You can do that? Where's Katie Couric?'" --Jay Leno
"Big announcement today. John McCain's campaign, I don't know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won't try to compete for votes there. That's the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain's strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He's going to campaign by horseback" --Conan O'Brien
[On screen: Palin during the VP debate, saying she 'may not answer the questions' the way people want]. "You know, the she-Bush is right. It's not about what you want to know. It's about what I want to say. Let's get to it. Biden, Palin, each candidate had a recipe for success [on screen: pundits saying Biden had to behave like a gentleman during the debate]. Give the woman you're debating special treatment to avoid appearing sexist. Okay. And what would Governor Palin have to do? [on screen: CNN's Jeff Toobin saying Palin has to prove she can 'simply speak in a normal English sentence']. So, to be successful, her standard tonight was the same as a roadside sobriety test." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Nation, what a debate last Thursday. Both candidates surpassed expectations. Sarah Palin proved she could speak, and Joe Biden proved he could stop speaking." --Stephen Colbert
"I think the most powerful moment came when Sarah Palin was asked about the causes of climate change [on screen: Palin saying she doesn't want to argue about the causes of climate change, but how we are going to 'positively affect' the impact]. Yes. Arguing about the causes of climate change is keeping us from impact positively affecting. I could not have said that better if I were speaking in tongues. And instead of getting bogged down in the causes, the governor laid out her plan [on screen: Palin saying we have to clean up the planet and reduce emissions]. The message is clear. The only way to clean up this mess is to reduce what I won't say is responsible for it. I don't want to argue" --Stephen Colbert
Late-Night Videos
Daily Show: Vice Presidential Common Man-Off
Daily Show: Debate Gaffes
Oct. 3-4, 2008
"The good news is, Sarah Palin can complete a sentence. The bad news is, the rest of us have to listen to it." --Bill Maher (Watch video of Maher's monologue)
"The big headline today is that she 'exceeded expectations,' which is like saying Andy Dick only drank half a bottle of Woolite." --Bill Maher
"And that folksy thing she does, do you love that? It's like fingernails on a blackboard, isn't it? I don't know. I'm old-fashioned. I believe the vice president is supposed to sound like the host of 'Romper Room.'" --Bill Maher
"She kept saying that she represents Joe Sixpack. You know what, sweetheart? If you get elected, Joe is going to need a lot more than a six pack. He's going to be Joe Prescription Drug Pack." --Bill Maher
"But this doesn't affect the right-wingers. Today, have you heard what they've been saying about this? I mean, they're in love. Rich Lowry, who is the editor of the National Review, it's kind of a serious publication. Listen to what he said. He said, Palin projects through the screen like crazy. He said, I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when she started dropping her first wink, sat up a little straighter on my couch. And her smile, it was so sparkling, it's like little starbursts through the screen. This man needs to get laid so badly." --Bill Maher
"I wish these smart Republicans could at least admit they don't want to see her in the White House either. They want to see her splayed out on the hood of a car in a Kenny Chesney video." --Bill Maher
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations. I don't know if you saw this story, but the new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders. Oh, you betcha. Oh, you're darn right she did. Oh yeah, God bless. And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher
"But, of course, what she's really not having an effect on is the presidential race. Even though she did well in the debate last night, McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is 'McCain: The White Obama.'" --Bill Maher
"He's getting desperate. His strategy for the next debate, on Tuesday, is after he shakes hands with Obama, he's going to pretend his wallet is missing." --Bill Maher
"Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher
"Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno
"And, of course, both sides are spinning it, you know. The Republicans say, 'Oh, Joe Biden got beaten by a girl.' And Democrats are crying elder abuse. Yeah, I guess it's all pretty fair." --Jay Leno
"They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television,
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